I Want to Live
by Kitkatta
Summary: Even though I was dead, I swore my heart was aching. Of course I went about my daily life normally- being grouchy half the time helps give me an alibi for times such as these. When there was more reasoning behind my scowl and dead look. -One-shot!-


Even though I was dead, I swore my heart was aching. Of course I went about my daily life normally- being grouchy half the time helps give me an alibi for times such as these. When there was more reasoning behind my scowl and dead look.

Everyone just kind of let me be, allowing me to remain in the morgue and do my work. Sometimes, when I felt as though my heart was going to kill me, I played with the idea of eating a brain to feel better.

But I didn't, because what would that do? I learned that it would merely fight the emotions off, keeping them at bay until I was defenseless and weak again. I learned that, so I would rather have dealt with it at the time, rather than deal with the knowledge that it was coming.

I didn't want to be dead.

Of course I didn't, but some days, under the shower, I would just break down.

Some days, the reality of it was just too much. I was eating dead people, I couldn't have sex, I couldn't enjoy the food I use to love, and my mood's and personality literally changed with what- or _who_ \- I ate.

The weight hung over me, like a shadow constantly threatening to destroy my sunshine.

I wanted to be alive.

I wanted to just be me, and be alive and happy all over again. I wanted to be in love, be loved. Feel that exhilaration pumping through my veins as I was a little reckless.

"'Liv?"

I looked up, and the one person who always saw right through me was standing there.

"Ravi." I addressed quietly, looking back at my work, "I'm a little busy right now, so do you need something?"

"You've been sewing that same part for a while now." I blinked, then shrugged.

"I guess I'm just kinda tired."

"You're a zombie, 'Liv. You told me yourself that in the first four months, you barely slept and it was fine."

"Well, maybe today it's deciding to hit harder?" Please, don't remind me of this wretched curse.

I felt a gentle tugging at my arm.

"'Liv," he started, pulling me away from the already examined and finished dead body, "it's okay."

That's what did it.

It's weird how something so small triggered it, but I do believe I've heard about many other people have their breaking points at the smallest of things.

"No!" I yelled, "It's not okay! Ravi, I'm _dead_! I can't feel the things I use to feel, I can't even taste food I use to love." He just stared at me with this odd look on his face as I rambled onward. "I can't look the way I use to with brown hair and freckles, and for crying out loud my mother basically disowned me because giving my blood to my brother would've met turning _him_ and I can't tell her that."

I was crying.

It's not like I couldn't feel emotions, because I certainly could. I felt anger, fear, sadness, happiness, excitement… just not to the same extent as before.

"I feel so dead on the inside too, and…" I wiped a few tears away, feeling gross, "I just want to be alive again… I want to _feel_ alive."

As soon as I said that, Ravi pulled me into his arms. It was a light hug, full of reassuring pats and back rubs. He was holding onto me, as though he thought that by letting go, I would die or disappear.

At the thought, I nearly chuckled.

But then he pulled back after a little bit, his own eyes wet with a sorrow of their own.

"Listen, 'Liv," He had his hands on my shoulders, like a coach or a dad, "You may be dead physically, and there's a very high chance that it affects your psychological state, causing a more depressive state of mind. Even so, you're not dead."

I blinked.

"You feel a passion in your heart for helping these victims. They died by murder, so you go out of your way to help them. No one ever forced you to do that, to eat their brains and thus solve the case. But you do anyways." He smiled. "You're a real hero, 'Liv. And it's okay for you to let yourself breakdown."

"Wow…" I sniffled, a soft laugh escaping my lips. "How inspirational of you."

"Look, I'm trying to cheer you up." He tried to sound insulted, but he had a smile on his face as well.

"With a heartfelt speech?" I grinned up at him, before my smile faded a bit. This time, though, I decided to hug him. I decided I didn't really want to be dead. But if I was stuck being dead physically, I might as well do my damnedest to be alive in my emotions.

Ravi wrapped me once more in a secure hug.

"Thank you, Ravi." I mumbled.

"Of course, of course."

I wanted to live, and with Ravi's support and help, I was pretty sure I was going to again soon.


End file.
